The Koehnke Konnection

Resolution

2011-12-30T17:55:00.003-07:00

I usually make the same resolution every year; lose weight. Every year I either succeed in losing a few pounds or I gain a few pounds (yay <== sarcasm). This year I actually lost 11.6 pounds (according to MY scale. KFBN's scale is the devil). Then I got pregnant and gained every single pound back. I lost the baby... but not the weight despite my workout effort, despite running a half marathon, despite the fact I try not to eat every thing on my plate (I am on a sea food diet; everything I see, I eat), I have not lost a single pound. NOT ONE. So eff this. I am no longer putting "lose weight" as my resolution because I obviously suck at THAT! This year I am making 3 resolutions: 1.) Spend every morning with God. I got this book, Daily Wisdom for Mothers, that my amazing cousin Aly recommended and it is sitting on my bed. It give a bible verse and some advice all pertaining to motherhood and it's triumphs and struggles. It will be hard for me to only read one a day but I will, first thing in the morning, no matter what. 2) No more snooze. This will probably be the hardest of my resolutions to keep but the snooze button is KILLING me. I get into work just as the bell rings. More than a few times this passed quarter I got in after the late bell which means I walked into a classroom with students waiting on me... without a teacher present. Why? Oh, because that's me. OOPS. I end up more tired than I should be, I forget things, I am an insane mess in the morning, I have zero time to myself, I don't wear make-up, my hair is- everywhere, and, the most important reason, I have to skip Jake's breathing treatment every morning. If this passed month's battle with croup (twice in one month!) has taught me anything it's that I can't skip the treatment. So I will get up, the first time my alarm goes off, no matter what. I will miss the snooze button but, like an old boyfriend, it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me. Finally, 3) I will chew my food. My lovely husband mentioned today- much to my chagrin- that I eat too fast and a ton of food. Thanks butthole- but he's right. When I am hungry, I inhale my food. So, this year, instead of trying to lose weight or eat better (which is something we are trying to do more as a family) I will chew my food. I will make the conscious effort to slow down when I am eating. Hopefully, this will lead to the resolution I refuse to make.

Finally, here is a wordle or a word cloud made up of all the blogs I wrote for 2011. I did this a few years ago and thought I would do it again, since I like making wordles so much. You can make your own at www.wordle.net. They are pretty awesome. Especially since you can completely tell from this wordle what is most important in my life; and who my whole world surrounds :). Hopefully 2012 will be as filled with blessings as 2011- for both my family and yours.

Christmas Letter 2011

2011-12-19T15:00:00.001-07:00

I sent out my Christmas card before we left for our whirlwind trip to California (Happy birthday Grandma Irma!), so I am on the road writing our Christmas letter in anticipation that someone might actually log on to our blog and read about our lives. I hope you do, because otherwise, why do I continue this blog? I guess it's a good thing to leave behind for Jake unless google crashes one day and then it will all be in vane. Oh well, that does not mean I will not plug on.

This is less of a letter and more of a reflection that you can choose to read or not. As I get older, I realize that my perception of life when I was young was way off. I always thought that some years were good, a few were bad, but that you could always lump your life into sections of good and bad. Now that I am a mother, I realize that that is not so. There is good and bad in each year, but more good because you have created this life to share the good with; this littler person who you want to make things good for so, despite when there are difficult times, the good always outweighs the bad.

Now that Jake is a walking, talking vision of wonderfulness, I spend a lot of time making things good for him, despite when we struggle, despite the bad things that happened this year, despite my endless struggle between being a full time mom and teacher. So this year, instead of rehashing the good and the bad, for our Christmas letter cira 2011, I want to list what blessing our family has been best bestowed with. So here it it, our blessing of 2011.

* We are blessed with a beautiful, intelligent, healthy little boy. Sincerely, he is the joy of our lives. No matter what trials parenting may bring, he makes every moment worth living. He is such a blessing and has such an incredible personality it seems awesome to us that we even created him. God certainly knew what he was doing when he gave us Jake.

*We are blessed to find our spiritual home at Community of Grace. They have welcomed us, baptized our baby, and, personally, taught me about the spirit of giving and the power of Jesus. I'm glad I stalked them via the Internet, and I am glad to get to spend their 1 year anniversary at their new campus this Christmas Eve. I love our church.

*We are blessed with an abundance of love. From our parents to our extended family, love is given to us freely and often. These blessings outweigh those who do not give love as freely.I am

*We are blessed to get to try again.

* We are blessed to have my brother as such an important part of our lives. Jake loves his Uncle Tony and I think Chad is the brother Tony always wanted me to be. Tony is the reason I know that Jake will need a sibling and I am so proud of the man he has become.

*We are blessed to have both our mothers, step fathers and Chad's dad, but I am especially blessed with my mom. My mother is my best friend and I don't think I would have made it through this year without her. She always knows when I need a break to appreciate motherhood, she was there for me during the worst day of the year, and no one knows how I struggle with the loss of my father like my mother since, unfortunately, she's been there (other than my brothers and sister, since they lost him too), she loves Chad, and she loves my son as much as I do. She needs to live forever- so add her to your prayers! Seriously, I don't know how I could survive life without her and it is an endless source of sadness to me that she had to without her mom.

* Finally, we are blessed with a roof over our heads, plenty of food to eat (or watch Jake NOT eat), two running cars, and two jobs to pay for it all.

So, from our family to your, we hope to have all that you need, some of what you want, and are as undoubtedly blessed as we are. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year; may 2012 be everything you hope it to be!

Love,

Chad, Andrea, and Jake

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

Hosted my third annual Thanksgiving dinner this year and it was AWESOME! I decided to think outside the box and made new recipes this year instead of the same old stuff. I added cranberries and sausage to the stuffing (so good!) and made a caramel apple sweet potato casserole instead of sweet potato yams this year. My brother wasn't having it, but everything turned out really yummy (and my mom made some yams for my son that my brother ate, punk). This year Chad's mom and step-dad came and that was nice, and Anne made the ham, so I didn't have to make two main dishes this year, which was a nice change.It put us at 10 people for dinner (which is not the biggest number of people I have had to dinner, but it is the biggest I've had since I've been married to Chad)! I can't imagine Thanksgiving without turkey so, despite Chad's weird allergy, we always have a turkey. I brined the turkey this year and it was so moist and delicious and yummy! I'll never not brine my turkey again! I highly recommend it. Here are some pictures from out relaxing day.

Yes, I even had place cards!

My brother is the turkey carver since Chad refuses. My casserole is in this photo too!

The cook and her kid!

My mom and I went black Friday shopping at 10pm on Thursday! It was madness and we ended up leaving Wal-Mart without making any purchases! We had fun at Target at midnight and I even got a great deal on a fake tree. I am generally not a fake tree person and I definitely miss the smell of pine in my house, but Jake got so sick last year and I think it was from the tree so we decided to get a fake tree to save our son's allergies. The awesome thing about a fake free is that you can put it up early and not worry about how dry it is going to get and so we decorated it that weekend. It was awesome! I think out tree is beautiful and even looks real.

(I'll post a picture later- seems I only have them on my iPhone!).

Women's Half Marathon

2011-11-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

Before I became pregnant, I had made this split decision to run a half. I decided on a whim because, honestly, all my mama friends were doing it. Once I hit "register" and it was all said and done, I thought to myself "Dear God, what have a done?" I hate to run. I can be quoted as saying "I only run if I am being chased and there is a chance I will win; if a cheetah was chasing after me, I would just lay down and tell the sweet baby Jesus that I was ready." That's a direct quote. I've said it several times. Then I peed on a stick and found out Chad and I were going to welcome another child into our family and I asked a friend to run in my place and stopped exercising all together. When the pregnancy ended I felt... lost. So I threw myself back into the life I was leading before I got pregnant- working out, trying (and failing) to eat right and lose all the weight I had lost before and then gained immediately back when I got pregnant. Pregnancy is not a free pass; that will be my mantra if I ever get pregnant again. So I threw myself into training for the half marathon. It was only 6 weeks away and I was completely out of shape (again), 10 pounds heavier, and just... broken. But I could run. I could train. I would get back to where I was before I gave myself a "free pass." On November 6th, in the 3rd corral with all my friends (even though I was supposed to be in the 6th), I started my first marathon. And it was fun. I had my music on. I took pictures of a quarter, half, and 3/4 points. I spent a lot of the time jogging, repeating "I am a runner" to myself, and yes, I walked some. Not for entire miles, but enough so that 13.1 miles did not completely overwhelm me. Three hours and 3 minutes after I started, I crossed the finish line and immediately saw my husband and son waiting for me. I was smiling. I was happy. I had accomplished something I originally set out to accomplish when my side plan had fallen apart. I don't want to say that the women's half marathon healed me because that seems silly... but it did. I'm going to do it again in February. Turns out I am a runner. A slow one, but a runner none the less. I actually like it. I'm glad I did it.

Halloween 2011

2011-11-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

Halloween was SO FUN this year! I was a little worried because Jake would NOT wear the Sponge Bob costume he picked out but he ended up wearing the dinosaur costume he refused to wear last year. I guess that's one of the good things about having a small boy- he out grows things slowly. We had out two year old check up on 12/6 (yes I am post dating again) and he is 24 pounds, 33 and 3/4 inches tall. Up to the 6th percentile in weight (from 4 six months ago) and 24th percentile for height. He's a small guy, what can I say? But I digress.

Jake really loves The Little Einsteins, and he had been watching the Halloween episode repeatedly on my iPad (who am I kidding? It's not really mine anymore). So he was excited to go "knock on doors." We made it to about three houses until he was NOT a fan anymore. He didn't like people telling him how cute he was! My son is ridiculous. We ended up walking around some more because Chad doesn't want him to be a "wimp." I just think he doesn't like people... sounds like his dad right? Anyway, he had fun, mostly. He liked looking at the "lights" and the candy. He's all about candy now. I have yet another candy-a-holic on my hands! He liked calling mom a "butterfly" because that is what I dressed up as. He said "ick or eat." We had a good time as a family... but how do you explain to a two year old that Halloween only comes once a year? It's December now and he still wants to go "knock on doors." I love my little talker. He says about 100 words- he's very talky, especially for a boy. I love it. I can't wait until Halloween next year!

Jacob's 2nd Birthday

2011-10-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

I am so very behind in my blogging. So today ( 12/11/11) I am attempting to catch up; fun times! And I'm post dating- so sue me.

Jake's birthday was pretty eventful. My son spent his birthday DAY with my mom going to the train park and finally riding the carousel that he always wants to ride but then changes his mind. It's good because he has gotten over his fear. It's hilarious because now every time he talks to my mom he asks her if they are riding the carousel. It makes me laugh every time.

Than night we ate dinner and then Jake ate Elmo mini cupcakes also made by my mom. Freaked the poor kid out because I put two candles into the top of his Elmo's head. He cried. Way to go mom! I also have no pictures from his actual birthday. Sigh. He liked the cupcake once it wasn't on fire.

That Saturday we had his birthday party at the Phoenix Zoo. All of his grandparents were there, plus a few friends. There were mainly adults but, unlike last year, there were some kids there too! Jake was pretty trepidious about the whole event. He really didn't like everyone starring and singing to him and the candle made him cry (probably because he was imagining Elmo's head on fire).

Then he didn't want to open presents so I opened his gifts. Fun times!

I didn't think he liked it... but then for days all he could talk about was riding the carousel at the zoo with my brother.

And now he sings happy birthday. I just think it was too new for him, because he's all about birthday's now that his is over! He even says happy birthday to people. All in all, despite him being shy, I felt like his birthday was a success. I can't believe my baby is two. I can still remember when he was 1 day old; what it felt like to hold him as an infant; the sound of his hungry cry. Now he says "eat" when he's hungry and "git down!" when I try to hold him. They really do grow too fast.

Words we cannot say

2011-09-29T21:07:00.002-07:00

I read this blog, http://dooce.com, and I enjoy it immensely. Heather Armstrong is an amazing woman who says exactly what is on her mind, damn what other people think. She's kind of my hero. She talks candidly about her battle with depression, especially after the births of her babies, and also perfectly expresses the complete frustration and awe of having a toddler. Like I said, she is kind of my hero. If you go to her blog today, right now, you will read about how she recently was told by her therapist that people with depression are more likely to commit suicide during the months of March and September because of the rapidly changing lights and seasons. I found this an interesting and enlightening piece of information because she says that even people who battle depression and are medicated have a hard time during these months.

This has been a rough month for our family. We found out we were pregnant in August and had become open and happy to the possibility of extending our family. I lost the pregnancy this month. I was only 7 weeks pregnant, and it was a blighted ovum, so there was never really a baby. But it has been so hard. I thought it was because so many of my mom friends are pregnant right now. And my coworkers. I know five people who are pregnant right now who are due in the same month I was (a new one was just announce yesterday!) and I attributed these things to the endless feelings of sadness I have been dealing with. It's not debilitating; I am functioning- listening to and teaching my students, loving on my son and husband, and even laughing with my friends. But in the quiet I always realize that, despite all that is good, I am still resonating with sadness. Which causes me to feel endlessly frustrated and I go to sleep and the next day the cycle continues.

Reading Heather's blog tonight was an "aha!" moment for me because I am battling depression. I am on anti-depressants for the depression that I probably have always had but became more pronounced after I had Jacob and then had to go back to work. It has helped immensely with my sanity, patience level, and with my relationship with my poor husband (best man ever). But even he has reached the breaking point in my sadness and asked me if I was still taking my medication. Not accusing, mind you, just inquiring. I said yes, but it didn't seem to be helping. Or maybe, it's just September. The lights are changing, I am having a hard time adjusting, and something sad did happen this month that I am having a hard time letting go. Hopefully, October will bring an end to the constant feeling of sadness. I am just glad for dooce.com because I was really starting to feel like maybe I was crazy! Thank goodness for the explanation; even if it's that it's September and people with depression are often sad for no reason.

Day 12: Sunset

2011-07-12T22:31:00.002-07:00

No, I did not take this picture today. I left my camera at home when I went on my run and my friend let me use her phone to take a picture of the sunset and... it was not good. So I looked through my honeymoon pictures and found this great one that Chad took when we went on our boat tour of the Napali Coast in Kauai, Hawaii. It's gorgeous right? That was a great trip.

Day 11: Something Blue

2011-07-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

I had a hard time with this challenge. When I think blue, I think the sky. So I put blue on Jake, I gave him blue things to play with and I took lots of of pictures and didn't like any of them. So I messed with this one and here we go.

Day 10: Childhood Memory

2011-07-10T14:30:00.004-07:00

This is Noggie. It's what I called doggie's when I was very little. I've had him for as long as I can remember... and I can't remember what he looked like new, so I've basically had him since I was born. I always though my aunt Sharon had given him to me, but my mom says she gave him to me, so I really just don't remember receiving him! I carried him everywhere, always; to Wisconsin, and even to sleep overs (he's stay in my bag). I slept with him longer than I'd care to admit. He means childhood to me, and I will always keep him.

Day 9: Someone I Love

2011-07-09T13:47:00.002-07:00

Jake finally gets the concept of "saying cheese." I didn't have to trick him to get a shot where he was looking at the camera and it seems like a miracle that I got him looking at the camera and smiling. Turns out, my son is going to be a bit of a ham... just like his mom!

Day 8: A Bad Habit

2011-07-08T13:44:00.002-07:00

I have loads of bad habits. I even took a different pictures; one of my clean laundry sitting in a basket because my husbands least favorite of all my bad habits is the fact that I don't put my laundry away. But I got distracted from posting (and am post posting this post!) by Facebook. Facebook distracts me from movies, from my son, from my chores, from working out, from spending time with my hubby. I get on the check email and wasted hours later, all I have done is play of Facebook. Even though my hubby would disagree, I think Facebook is my worst bad habit.

Day 7: Fruit

2011-07-07T23:41:00.000-07:00

Day 6: From a Low angle

2011-07-06T16:57:00.003-07:00

Day 5: From a High angle

2011-07-05T16:55:00.002-07:00

The End of a Saga.

2011-07-04T23:57:00.004-07:00

Today my mom's sister deleted me from her facebook. It's funny because I have been hiding her for over a year. She deleted me because I told her daughter what an ingrate she is because, well, she's ungrateful. After living off of me, using me, abusing me, and disrespecting me (and Chad), I had enough and I told her how I felt. That's what families do; they express themselves to each other, fight, and then forgive. Well she deleted me. I know it sounds ridiculous but in today's age of social media, deleting your family member is like a big FU to them and is basically a symbolic way of cutting them out of your life. It hurt and I was upset because she was always my favorite of my aunt's kids. The only one who didn't make me feel uncomfortable because I was nerdy and half white. I talked it out with my real family this passed weekend and I feel like I have appropriately dealt wit the consequences of caring too much.

The thing is, I have always wondered how it's possible that I was brought up with this strong sense of family and was taught to be loyal, loving, forgiving, and giving to my family; grateful, gracious, and blessed and it seemed like my so called cousin's were not. While I have felt this way, in the past, towards my mom's sister and her children, I have never felt anything like that from them. It's been easy to drift apart because we had nothing in common and they hated me (one of my cousin's actually said, to my face, that he hates all white people. Thanks cuz). Except D; but she obviously was just waiting to see what I could do for her. I did a lot too; I gave her food and shelter for a month and asked for nothing in return. Her and her husband and son. I picked up groceries almost every day after work because she would text me something that she needed. Usually milk. I moved her twice; once on Mother's day because they just couldn't wait to get out of my home (their choice, not mine). The only person who got her son a gift for his first birthday was ME; and she chose to spend her day at McDonald's instead of celebrating with her "family;" I offered a bunch of times to take her to dinner (they shared that birthday) or make her a cake or whatever, but she said her husband was doing something special. McDonald's? OK. I put off a trip so I could go to her baby shower and watch my mom pay for the whole damn thing and have D give a half assed "thanks" to the only real gift she got; also from my mom, myself, and my extended family. I spent two hours and almost a hundred bucks buying her diapers and making a diaper wreath, complete with gender neutral toys and clothes. I offered, out of the goodness of my heart, to drive 30 miles out of my way to drop off said gift because it didn't fit in her BF's car; but all I got in return was grief because I couldn't do it the minute she wanted it. So I exploded; I admit it, but I had had it. She just didn't get it... you're not entitled to my home, food, love, and time. I offered it to her and she took it for granted. The thanks I got for welcoming her into my home, supporting her family, feeding them, clothing her son (and loving him; I do love that kid and he loves me)? Deleted. Like I was used trash. OK, so I'm still hurt.

Then today, her mother did the same thing. The funny thing is, I feel nothing over my supposed aunt deleting me. It just feels like it's finally the end. The end of having to figure out how much her shit talking status' are about me or my mother. The end of being used. The end of being family only when it's convenient or when she needs something. It's the end of all the drama and the endless saga of the W and B family. It feels done; I feel used, yes, but what I feel the most is... relief. I can finally just let it go.

Facebook is either a blessing or a curse. It's a blessing to be able to stay in touch with my family and watch our kids grow and keep in touch with friends and family that live far away. But it's a curse because it has become a substitute for real life. In the past, we would have just not called each other, but now you can delete your family to cause an even deeper pain. You can cut people out of your life more concretely by deleting them from your facebook. I realize how insane it sounds but it's a sign of the times. I don't know whether to be amused or really sad.

Day 4:Something Green

2011-07-04T16:09:00.001-07:00

Green on 4th of July? Gotta go with a watermelon!

Day 3: Clouds

2011-07-03T16:32:00.003-07:00

I took this yesterday because, AMAZINGLY, there were actually clouds in the desert sky! In Tucson it is monsooning. I miss Tucson in the summer. *Sigh*

Day 2: What you wore today

2011-07-02T10:00:00.004-07:00

Being as I had body back today, I wore two things. My workout outfit was dawned this morning at 4 am for the three mile run I did with S and KK. Seriously? They were so much faster than me! I'm slow. The second thing is what I am wearing to the grocery store. I know it's a dress, but really, it's just easiest.

Day 1: Self portriat.

2011-07-01T10:57:00.003-07:00

I don't feel good today. Luckily, the hat makes it look like I tried.